It’s Been a Year

People come and go as what they always do. That's life, one of the awful parts of it. Though how much we want them to stay, they're not ours to keep and that they have to go their own way apart from ours. And for me, it's the saddest part of meeting people. Especially when we become so familiar of their presence in our lives, when we become so attached to them, when we have poured out all our hearts to them, that eventually they've already become part of us, occupying the big portion of our hearts. We've encountered them for a while but when they go, their presence leave a big empty hole in us that takes time to heal, and leave a scar forever..

It was in the beginning of September, last year (2016) when I met a man. It's not everyday that I come across with a scenario like that. I was stressing with my job, and the only thing that mattered to me was earning and providing for my family, and saving for my future travel plans. He was introduced to me and despite the distance, we were able to get to know each other through messaging apps. It was a whirlwind romance and I also lost track on how it happened, but after sometime of constant chatting and talking, he swept me off of my feet and I just found myself saying "Yes and Yes" when he asked me to be his girlfriend and to be his wife. 

Crazy right? It was that fast and I didn't know what we were thinking. Maybe we were so overwhelmed by finding someone who is almost same as us, getting so comfortable that we can almost talk about anything under the sun and tell each other every single thing about us. That even if we knew we were going fast, we still continued anyway and ignored the very basic rule in a relationship, that great things take time and we still have to get to know more of each other. 

We started making plans, envisioning our future together, getting married, having kids, setting goals and looking for ways on how to settle problems that may occur in the future. Both of our families seemed to agree to all of it,  we planned it all out so well that I didn't have any doubts nor second thoughts on any of it. I put all my trust in him, I was so sure he's the one and that we'd be together. I was so happy, it's truly a bliss and a comfort of having someone you didn't expect to have and has all the traits you ever wished for a man. He's a heaven sent and I was so thankful for having him. 

By the end of October, he set off to visit me here in Dubai and to make everything official. So we've meet each other, face to face and he's just as amazing as he is in chat and in person. He's such a good-looking, gentle, kind, sweet and caring guy. I was in total awe, overwhelmed and just fell deeper into him. We spent days together, going to places we planned to do and did the things we talked about doing, and I enjoyed every moment of it. It was a wonderful feeling and having him at my side, was the best I ever had. He left after and I felt sad but very hopeful, because we planned to set another meet up, and we'd be together again after a few months. Little did I know, it would be the first and last time I would ever see him.

Life has really full of surprises and it will come to you when you least expected it the most, when you're not ready for it, when it's the last thing you ever want. When you're so happy and full of life, that's when tragedy will strike you the most. Like a rule on earth to keep things balance, when you're so high, life will put you down to remind you that nothing lasts forever, that eventually, happiness will turn into sadness and the only thing you can do is to savor every minute, because you might not know when it will last, like the mantra "Carpe Diem", seize it, enjoy it..

A couple of days after he came back from his trip, I started to notice that something wasn't right, like all of a sudden he became so cold and distant. I was in denial at first, thought that maybe he still have a jet lag from his trip and that he's still tired from all of those traveling days he did with his family. I waited and waited then finally, I confronted him and that's when he told me everything. There were things he hasn't settled in the past yet and when things are already getting good between us, that's when it came back to haunt him. Though it has nothing to do with me, what we have in the present and the possible future we might have got also affected.  

November came and though things got a little lighter, it was still a struggle for him, for me and for both of us. I was keeping my composure, acting strong though I was really hurting, the situation was tearing my heart apart but I was in high hopes that everything will soon fall into place and that we only need some more time. Then came December, I was still hopeful until that day when he told me, he's still not okay. He let the situation tear him down, he didn't have enough strength to carry on, and he has no hope left for himself, for us.  

And you feel paralyzed, you can't go on, the pain cripples you. All hopes and dreams and goals and aspirations, all forgotten. Darkness fell upon you and the light seemed so far away. You wake up everyday and there seems to be dark clouds hovering over you, it stays with you all day carrying a thick heavy burden. And just like what they say “when it rains, it pours”. And I was the one who got damped, soaked, and drenched..

Everything became so blur after that, I lost all my hopes as well and at the end of the year, the last week of December, I was at my lowest. Never expected my life to turn upside down, that my year would end up like that, and the happiness I felt for a moment was changed into enduring days, weeks and now months of never ending disappointments. He was sorry and I also couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't do anything for him and we both became lost souls wondering where has life has taken us. 

January 1st came and while it is a celebration for most people, it's the opposite for me. It's a day of mourning when i made my decision that I needed to let him go. I was so crushed, it was so painful. It's what I thought is the best for both of us, letting him go so time can heal us, entrusting everything to God that if its His plan for both of us, I am surrendering it to Him on whatever His will for us. 

Time passes by and things doesn't really stay the same. It is ever-changing and we have to keep up with it. Life goes on and we have to move on as well. Go with its flow on wherever it lead us. Find what's in store for us along the path, what challenges we would face, what obstacles we would overcome, and what lessons we can pick up along the way.. 

Months passed and tears would still fall from my eyes whenever I remember him, our plans, our conversations and constant communication. With all the memories we made together, it seems impossible to forget him. I still care about him, wondering what he is doing and what is he up to now. If someone would ask me, do I still think of him? Yes, at times I do. Am I still hoping? Maybe yes, maybe no, I'm not sure. Do I still want to see him? I don't know. 

People say I should move on and life must go on. Holding on to something I have no assurance will just make me miserable. The future is uncertain and only time can tell. But there is one thing I am certain, I have loved him, yes I got hurt and still hurting, but if I'd be given a chance, I'm willing to do it and experience it all over again. If not with him, then I hope with someone who's amazing just like him.

And now, time is really fast and it has a been a year since I last saw him..