Feeling of Lonelines

There are times that even if everything in life seems doing great, you will still feel like your alone. That no one is there for you, that no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you're okay, that you don't need anybody else cause you got yourself covered, you will still feel it deep inside, the pain and longing for someone and something you can't experience the same and have again. As Tom Wolfe puts it, "the whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence." 

I recently got a two days off and decided to go to the mall to de-stress. My duty was just keep on getting toxic more and more and I needed to go out to declutter my mind. I chose to see a recently released movie, Everything everything, which is based from a novel from the same producer of "Me Before You". Maybe that's one reason why I wanted to see it after seeing the trailer earlier a few days back before its premiere. But As I was seeing it, a deep feeling of sadness got triggered in me. The movie is good, the plot is unique and the characters did their role very well, enthralling the audience of their performance which is hard not to love. 

Maybe its just so good that I wish to share the feeling with someone. I laughed, I cried, I got excited with the twist and turns, and I was just alone in a dark cinema seating by myself. Its more of a love story and very few people was there, usually teenage girls with their friends who would giggle together, and as I look on my right and left, there was nobody there but empty seats. I would just go back looking at the screen, would focus my view on the movie enjoying it and would dismiss the fact I am alone. The movie ended and I felt good. It was kind of a happy ending and gives a good vibe feel. I wish to have someone to converse about it but I remember again, I was alone. Maybe when I get home, there would be someone from my workmates who would be interested in the same movie and we can talk all about it. I went to the stores and there was still some items from the 3-day pre-Ramadan sale which I can get for a low price. I hop from store to store and shopped for some clothes and other things. It was evening when I got finished and decided to grab a bite before going home. 

Eating out alone never bothered me before. For years, I've been doing that kind of thing and already got used to it. But by that time, it was different. As I was eating dinner, a specialty from home, I was enveloped by sadness again. I suddenly missed the feeling of dining with friends and family and also, with someone who enjoys food more than I do. I think I'm failing now convincing myself I don't need anyone. It worked before but now, the reality is unfolding right before me. Maybe all these triggered feelings of loneliness now is due to the fact that, I miss someone. The person I recently got to share those experiences and memories with. He was my human diary whom I used to talk and text to everyday, the one I can tell even the most absurd things in my mind, the one who brightened up my days, the one who lighted up my life even for a short of period of time. No matter how it ended, I can't deny the fact that, with him, I was happy, he made me happy. Remembering it all now, how happy I was makes me sad, he was there when I was so alone, feeling down and has no life. He gave me some of the best experiences of my life, he made me feel like I deserve to be loved, and once again made me experience the joy of being with someone and how is it being in love.