Loving Oneself

When we experienced a great deal of embarrassment when we were young, I guess the feeling stays when we grow old. Being a third child of four, I was considered as the most unattractive among my siblings. I have the darkest complexion, has the most skin flaws and imperfection, the odd and sensitive one who can't express herself and that makes her feel being left out. My struggle with low self-esteem and sense of belongingness started at a very young age, when I had to compete for my siblings to get my parents attention and to get people's approvals of me as a person.

Many people may see me as a bold, daring and a  confident care-free person. But little did they know, what they see is just the opposite of what I really am. I mean, how can we judge if what we only see is not even half of what a person is outside? For years, I've been not confident enough. I have a low self-esteem rooted in my childhood days that won't ever be changed. Some of us may have struggled about it, but for me, it seems like I would have to live to it for the rest of my life. To the standards I've come to believe and had become my way of life. Maybe, the challenges I have been facing and lessons I've been learning is a way for me to change and overcome it, but as long as I don't change my views upon myself, I may have kept it playing on repeat.

Being a grown up, I guess it's still the same as today. I have learned to be nice, to be generous, to be kind, to not speak my mind so people can like and accept me. I've learned to compromise, to always say yes, to submit even against my will so I won't have to offend anyone. For years, it has always been about what other people want and not what I really want so I can avoid the bad feeling, the guilt and embarrassment. If everyone approves of it then I'd just go with it, conformation and affirmation has become a habit. If there's good thing about it, it made me selfless and submissive. But the bad thing, it has become too much that all I ever do is think about others, how to please them and not myself, which in turn doesn't truly make me happy. 

I've come to realize that my low self-esteem, has affected a huge aspect of my life. It has become a great deal mainly in my relationships in where I expect to find my worth. My previous relationships caused me so much pain because I gave too much, I cared too much without thinking about myself hoping that I'd be loved and admired in return for all of those things. All those failed attempts just lead me to a pit of sadness and adds up to a pile of my insecurity issues. I've always known that loving oneself first is the key to a successful relationship, knowing one's worth and value, but I guess, it's one thing I haven't resolved yet. Being selfless is so natural of me that other's happiness, convenience and feeling of worth matters more than my own. It gives me fulfillment but now after all I've been through, it isn't anymore. I guess I'm tired from doing that and maybe, what I need is to become selfish. Put myself first than anyone and anything, draw a line between selflessness and selfishness and be in between to have a balance of everything. That way, maybe I'd be able to give myself the time I needed, that way I can realize my worth, and I can love myself the way I deserve it.